As some of you know, at our workshops we ask the men three spiritual quesitons. The first is from the story in John 5 of the man at the Pool of Bethesda. That man is rather cynical in his response to Jesus" question, "Do you want to get well?" The quick word that Jesus uses means wellness in body and in spirit. The spirit of the man is rather negative when he says, "Sir, I have no one to help me...."
It is true that most addicts feel that way. No one has helped, temptations get in the way, and the advice of others is often misguided and discouraging. There is also the factor in the John 5 story that the man had been an invalid for 38 years so to be sick was his "normal." Lying by the pool is what he knew how to do.
So, when we think about getting or staying sober, we have to confront lethargy, cynicism, and even anger about our faith in getting well. For some of us, also, we liked our addiction. It brought us pleasure and was like a best friend. It was always with us and always available. So, like James tells us in the first chapter of his letter, we are "double minded."
Bottom line, we don't have to be 100% convinced that we can get well or that we want to get well. We need the majority of ourselves, however, to think so. This factor is what Bill W of AA talked about when he thought that an alcoholic had to bottom out in order to get well.
Most of all, I think, motivation comes from encouragement of others. That is a part of accountability. We get honest not just about our addiction but also about our negativity and doubts. Others can then encourage us to be the men that God calls us to be. Some of the best phone calls I have ever made in my recovery were not about my sexual temptation, but about my negative feelings of shame, anger, and doubt.
These are brief thoughts. My 3 new books are out. Check our our web site or the newsletter about those. One of them, Becoming a Man of Valor, discusses my strategies for all of this in much great depth.
I'm starting to enjoy this blogging stuff. I hope to see your posts soon.
Mark
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Do You Want To Get Well
A key for recovery and healing for all sex addicts is their ability to answer three spiritual questions. In one of my three new books, Becoming A Man of Valor, all three of these questions are elaborated. The three are:
1. Do you want to get well?
2. What are you thirsty for?
3. What are you willing to die for and are you willing to die to yourself?
All three are taken from stories of Jesus' interactions with people in the Gospel of John, Question one is the question Jesus asks an invalid who has come to lie by the healing pool of Bethesda as described in John 5. For addicts, we must be willing to heal despite our questions, misgivings, and even anger at God. Question two is from Jesus' conversation with a Samaritan woman at a well near Sychar in Samaria. He tells her that earthly water never heals thirst but that "living water" does, the healing water of salvation that he has to offer. Addicts need to know what their soul has been thirsting for and what false attempts they have made to satisfy it. Finally, questions three recognizes that addiction is selfish and that recovery is self less. What better question to ask than what would a person be willing to die for, the utmost act of selflessness. John 11 is the story of Lazurus who Jesus allows to die and later raises from the dea to demonstrate his resurrecting power. Addicts do need to die to themselves. It is only in that what that Jesus can come into their life in a powerful was and heal their hearts. Recovery is, in fact, resurrecting!
1. Do you want to get well?
2. What are you thirsty for?
3. What are you willing to die for and are you willing to die to yourself?
All three are taken from stories of Jesus' interactions with people in the Gospel of John, Question one is the question Jesus asks an invalid who has come to lie by the healing pool of Bethesda as described in John 5. For addicts, we must be willing to heal despite our questions, misgivings, and even anger at God. Question two is from Jesus' conversation with a Samaritan woman at a well near Sychar in Samaria. He tells her that earthly water never heals thirst but that "living water" does, the healing water of salvation that he has to offer. Addicts need to know what their soul has been thirsting for and what false attempts they have made to satisfy it. Finally, questions three recognizes that addiction is selfish and that recovery is self less. What better question to ask than what would a person be willing to die for, the utmost act of selflessness. John 11 is the story of Lazurus who Jesus allows to die and later raises from the dea to demonstrate his resurrecting power. Addicts do need to die to themselves. It is only in that what that Jesus can come into their life in a powerful was and heal their hearts. Recovery is, in fact, resurrecting!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Adultery of the Mind
One of you has asked about where the line is drawn about adultery in the mind. On the one hand we don't want to set the bar so high that we are doomed to fail. On the other hand, we want the bar to be high enough that we become the men that God calls us to be. To me, it depends on our definition of lust. Lust is the process of thought in which we imagine having sex with someone and in certain situations. Temptation is when we see someone or something that is sexually stimulating. We can't avoid temptations. They will bombard us on a daily basis. When can notice that we are tempted by stimuli and allow the temptation to be in our mind without overreacting to it and trying at all costs to get it out. If, on the other hand, we take the temptation and "run with it" into imagined sex, that is lust and that can be a sobriety violation. I am, as always, interested in your reactions and experience with this question. On September 15 I have three new books being released. One of them is called Taking Every Thought Captive in which I cover this question in great detail.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sobriety
July 30, 2011
Here we go. This is the first post of my new blog. I plan to answer the most frequently asked questions I get when I'm out speaking on sexual addiction.
Question: What is Sobriety?
Lately, we have been using the acronym MAP to define sobriety. M stands for masturbation. This is a controversial question in the recovery community as some would consider that masturbation is OK for all or at least for single men. I have always felt that for an addict it is never a good idea as it usually leads to neurochemical tolerance in the brain and that will cause the habit to escalate over time. For a more thorough answer to the question of whether or not masturbation is sinful or morall appropriate, go to our website at http://www.faithfulandtrueministries/ and click on the resources tab and then on the articles tab.
The A stands for adultery. By that we mean both emotional and physical adultery. Many men that I work with get involved first with women and share emotional intimacy with them that they are not with their wives. We also consider that looking lustfully at women, especially in terms of pornography is adultery. Jesus talks about looking at a woman with lust in your heart in Matt. 5.
The P stands for pornography in all of its forms, magazines, DVDs, and most prevalently on the Internet.
It is always best to keep things simple and thorough. When an addict says he is MAP sober, others will automatically know what he means. Let me know what you think.
Mark
Here we go. This is the first post of my new blog. I plan to answer the most frequently asked questions I get when I'm out speaking on sexual addiction.
Question: What is Sobriety?
Lately, we have been using the acronym MAP to define sobriety. M stands for masturbation. This is a controversial question in the recovery community as some would consider that masturbation is OK for all or at least for single men. I have always felt that for an addict it is never a good idea as it usually leads to neurochemical tolerance in the brain and that will cause the habit to escalate over time. For a more thorough answer to the question of whether or not masturbation is sinful or morall appropriate, go to our website at http://www.faithfulandtrueministries/ and click on the resources tab and then on the articles tab.
The A stands for adultery. By that we mean both emotional and physical adultery. Many men that I work with get involved first with women and share emotional intimacy with them that they are not with their wives. We also consider that looking lustfully at women, especially in terms of pornography is adultery. Jesus talks about looking at a woman with lust in your heart in Matt. 5.
The P stands for pornography in all of its forms, magazines, DVDs, and most prevalently on the Internet.
It is always best to keep things simple and thorough. When an addict says he is MAP sober, others will automatically know what he means. Let me know what you think.
Mark
Saturday, July 30, 2011
First Blog
Honestly, getting into the blogging world scares me a little in terms of the amount of work it may represent. And yet, many have asked me to do it for years. What I intend to do is answer basic questions about sex addiction recovery and see what dialogue ensues. Every week I will try to answer a new question and we;ll go from there. I thank you for signing up and look forward to the interaction. Blessings, Mark
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