Sex Addiction Recovery for Christians

Offenders

2011-11-20T18:10:00.000-08:00

With all the news on Penn State I have been doing a lot of interviews. Here is a list of characteristics that I believe is important for all to know.

1. Is a loner, has no accountability, meaning that he has no one who really knows his struggles. He may have hundreds of friends but no intimate relationships. He doesn’t’ know how to share his feelings and needs in healthy ways (Accountability Principle #2).

2. Spends “special” time with certain people (boys). He takes them on special outings or to special events. Engages in horseplay or any opportunity to touch the boys.

3. Outwardly he is seen touching them, not publically inappropriately, and touching them often.

4. He is charismatic and very likeable. Therefore, everyone has a very hard time believing that he is doing “awful” things.

5. Uses his charm to form special relationships. He seems more friendly with certain boys than a grownup should be.

6. Gives out his private phone number. Meets at strange times.

7. Uses sexual humor or teasing.

8. Women might experience him as angry. This is because he has a great deal of repressed anger at women. Men experience him as a good old boy.

9. So likeable that there is a broad level of systemic denial. “How could such a man do anything like that?”

10. Certain boys seem suddenly to be more reserved, even depressed.

11. The system of boys “knows” that stuff is going on but is embarrassed to talk about it to grownups. Every one of the group “knows” that there is something weird or different about the man. The system learns to avoid him.

12. The whole system, including sometimes parents, get pulled into the problem because to them it seems so “wonderful” that such a great man is willing to spend special time with some of the boys. A systematic denial develops because it is so hard to believe that such a good guy could do such things.

There Can Be Meaning In The Pain

2011-10-17T20:13:00.000-07:00

Post Traumatic Growth

Mark R. Laaser, Phd, BPCCC

Debbie W. Laaser, MA, MFT

Introduction

A foundational belief of all Christians is that the suffering and death of Jesus saved us from all of our sins. While we embrace and celebrate that, it is difficult for Christians to accept that we might at times be called to participate in that suffering. Jesus, himself, invites us to take upon ourselves his “yoke” and somewhat “strangely” suggests that his burden is “easy and light”. He goes on to say that if we are burdened we should come to him and find rest for our souls. (Matt. 11:28-30) In this article we would like to suggest that participating in the suffering of Christ can be an opportunity for growth. In fact, there is a “new” school of thought that is telling us that trauma can lead to our growth and is proving it through empirical research. This school is called, “Post Traumatic Growth.” (PTG)

As Christian counselors ourselves, a large part of our training has involved assessing and treating the various kinds of trauma that people can experience. This can be everything from childhood abuse and neglect to dramatic and tragic events in adulthood, including death of loved ones, infidelity, terminal illness, disability, and war. We know that trauma can lead some people to experience the symptoms of the anxiety-based diagnosis called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We have wondered if some interventions and therapies spend too much time “rehearsing” trauma and thereby keep people stuck in victimization—re-injuring the person, including the neurochemistry of their brains.

Conversely, we have seen well-meaning Christian counselors who encourage clients to quickly forgive those who have harmed them and to “move on” with life or encourage clients to quickly explore their own hurtful behaviors and take responsibility for their ‘fair share’ of the harm.The field of Post Traumatic Growth reminds us of our biblical teachings: as Christian counselors our task is to help people make meaning out of the pain and to discover how God has helped them to be stronger people as a result.

History

The New Testament is rich with teaching that suffering leads to a greater dependence on God and to strength of character. Paul says in Romans, “we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” (Romans 5:3-4) James writes, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (Jas. 1:2-4) In the history of theological, philosophical and psychological thought the idea that suffering and pain leads to meaning and growth is certainly not new.

This article’s length only permits us to point you to the current work of Calhoun and Tedeschi whose work over the last 15 years has led to the definition of Post Traumatic Growth and to clinical research supporting it. They define PTG as, “The positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances” (Tedeschi and Calhoun, 2004, p. 1). Tedeschi and Calhoun suggest that terms like trauma, crisis, and stressful life events can be used interchangeably. They understand that many people can have significant emotional health issues as a result of suffering and trauma but that, “in the developing literature on posttraumatic growth, we have been finding that reports of growth experiences in the aftermath of traumatic events far outnumber reports of psychiatric disorders” (Tedeschi and Calhoun, 2004, p. 2).

The Dynamics of Post Traumatic Growth

PTG does not occur because of the trauma, it occurs when the person goes beyond an adaptive response and learns how to struggle with the potential transformational possibility of the trauma. Tedeschi and Calhoun list 5 possible growth results:

1. An increased appreciation of life in general and a sense of what is really important.

2. Closer and more meaningful relationships.

3. A general sense of greater personal strength.

4. An identification of new possibilities for a person’s life.

5. Growth in the domain of spiritual and/or existential matters.

In terms of number 5, we believe that this growth draws a person closer to God and develops a sense in the person of God’s divine presence.

The Process of Post Traumatic Growth

The literature describes three critical elements that promote PTG for an individual that has experienced a traumatic life event:

1. Managing Distressing Emotions: A person learns to express all feelings relating to the trauma including anger, anxiety, and sadness. In reality, this is grief work.

2. Support and Disclosure: An individual practices disclosing honest feelings and thoughts about the trauma with other supportive people. This must involve a system of social support including the possibility of a therapy group.

3. Cognitive Processing: As most therapists know, the experience of trauma leads to feelings of shame and other core beliefs about God, self, and others. Cognitive restructuring is a function of helping a person “reframe” the experience in light of God’s truth. This includes helping the person discover how they are stronger today because of the trauma.

We would add a fourth element:

4. Forgiveness: In the process of religious and spiritual maturity, a person will learn how to embrace the process of forgiving the people and circumstances who caused the harm.

Conclusion and Implications for Christian Therapy

We find it helpful to conceptualize the experience of PTG on a continuum. On one end is the experience of knowing and reliving the trauma. On the other end is the experience of not allowing oneself to think about the trauma, the experience of denial.

Victim Identity Posttraumatic Growth Minimization of Trauma

Repetitive Trauma Reliving---------------------------Meaning of Pain-------------------------------------Quick Forgiveness

Over Focus on Distress, Loss, Acceptance that Distress and Growth Pressure to Accept Personal

and Maladaptive Behavior Co-exist Responsibility for Trauma

If we concentrate on the left end, the person will stay stuck in being a victim. If we concentrate on the right side, the person will experience the destructive emotional and physical consequences of stress and maladaptive emotional illness. In the middle is the healthy growth that is possible when the person can find meaning in the pain and discover how he or she has matured as a Christian of healthy character.

It is our job as Christian counselors to be listeners to the pain, the explorers of it, and the ones who help the person reinterpret God’s presence in all of it. When we do, we all participate in the sufferings of Christ, our burdens become lighter, and we have the opportunity to experience the transformation available through trauma.

References

Tedeschi, R. G. and Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry. 15(1), 1-18.

Mark and Debbie Laaser are both counselors in their own company, Faithful and True Ministries, based in Eden Prairie, MN. They have both been long time friends of and contributors to AACC.

www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

Willingness vs. Unwillingness

2011-09-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, at our workshops we ask the men three spiritual quesitons. The first is from the story in John 5 of the man at the Pool of Bethesda. That man is rather cynical in his response to Jesus" question, "Do you want to get well?" The quick word that Jesus uses means wellness in body and in spirit. The spirit of the man is rather negative when he says, "Sir, I have no one to help me...."

It is true that most addicts feel that way. No one has helped, temptations get in the way, and the advice of others is often misguided and discouraging. There is also the factor in the John 5 story that the man had been an invalid for 38 years so to be sick was his "normal." Lying by the pool is what he knew how to do.

So, when we think about getting or staying sober, we have to confront lethargy, cynicism, and even anger about our faith in getting well. For some of us, also, we liked our addiction. It brought us pleasure and was like a best friend. It was always with us and always available. So, like James tells us in the first chapter of his letter, we are "double minded."

Bottom line, we don't have to be 100% convinced that we can get well or that we want to get well. We need the majority of ourselves, however, to think so. This factor is what Bill W of AA talked about when he thought that an alcoholic had to bottom out in order to get well.

Most of all, I think, motivation comes from encouragement of others. That is a part of accountability. We get honest not just about our addiction but also about our negativity and doubts. Others can then encourage us to be the men that God calls us to be. Some of the best phone calls I have ever made in my recovery were not about my sexual temptation, but about my negative feelings of shame, anger, and doubt.

These are brief thoughts. My 3 new books are out. Check our our web site or the newsletter about those. One of them, Becoming a Man of Valor, discusses my strategies for all of this in much great depth.

I'm starting to enjoy this blogging stuff. I hope to see your posts soon.

Mark

Do You Want To Get Well

2011-08-25T13:56:00.000-07:00

A key for recovery and healing for all sex addicts is their ability to answer three spiritual questions. In one of my three new books, Becoming A Man of Valor, all three of these questions are elaborated. The three are:
1. Do you want to get well?
2. What are you thirsty for?
3. What are you willing to die for and are you willing to die to yourself?

All three are taken from stories of Jesus' interactions with people in the Gospel of John, Question one is the question Jesus asks an invalid who has come to lie by the healing pool of Bethesda as described in John 5. For addicts, we must be willing to heal despite our questions, misgivings, and even anger at God. Question two is from Jesus' conversation with a Samaritan woman at a well near Sychar in Samaria. He tells her that earthly water never heals thirst but that "living water" does, the healing water of salvation that he has to offer. Addicts need to know what their soul has been thirsting for and what false attempts they have made to satisfy it. Finally, questions three recognizes that addiction is selfish and that recovery is self less. What better question to ask than what would a person be willing to die for, the utmost act of selflessness. John 11 is the story of Lazurus who Jesus allows to die and later raises from the dea to demonstrate his resurrecting power. Addicts do need to die to themselves. It is only in that what that Jesus can come into their life in a powerful was and heal their hearts. Recovery is, in fact, resurrecting!

Adultery of the Mind

2011-08-05T07:08:00.000-07:00

One of you has asked about where the line is drawn about adultery in the mind. On the one hand we don't want to set the bar so high that we are doomed to fail. On the other hand, we want the bar to be high enough that we become the men that God calls us to be. To me, it depends on our definition of lust. Lust is the process of thought in which we imagine having sex with someone and in certain situations. Temptation is when we see someone or something that is sexually stimulating. We can't avoid temptations. They will bombard us on a daily basis. When can notice that we are tempted by stimuli and allow the temptation to be in our mind without overreacting to it and trying at all costs to get it out. If, on the other hand, we take the temptation and "run with it" into imagined sex, that is lust and that can be a sobriety violation. I am, as always, interested in your reactions and experience with this question. On September 15 I have three new books being released. One of them is called Taking Every Thought Captive in which I cover this question in great detail.

Sobriety

2011-07-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

July 30, 2011

Here we go. This is the first post of my new blog. I plan to answer the most frequently asked questions I get when I'm out speaking on sexual addiction.

Question: What is Sobriety?

Lately, we have been using the acronym MAP to define sobriety. M stands for masturbation. This is a controversial question in the recovery community as some would consider that masturbation is OK for all or at least for single men. I have always felt that for an addict it is never a good idea as it usually leads to neurochemical tolerance in the brain and that will cause the habit to escalate over time. For a more thorough answer to the question of whether or not masturbation is sinful or morall appropriate, go to our website at http://www.faithfulandtrueministries/ and click on the resources tab and then on the articles tab.

The A stands for adultery. By that we mean both emotional and physical adultery. Many men that I work with get involved first with women and share emotional intimacy with them that they are not with their wives. We also consider that looking lustfully at women, especially in terms of pornography is adultery. Jesus talks about looking at a woman with lust in your heart in Matt. 5.

The P stands for pornography in all of its forms, magazines, DVDs, and most prevalently on the Internet.

It is always best to keep things simple and thorough. When an addict says he is MAP sober, others will automatically know what he means. Let me know what you think.

Mark

First Blog

2011-07-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

Honestly, getting into the blogging world scares me a little in terms of the amount of work it may represent. And yet, many have asked me to do it for years. What I intend to do is answer basic questions about sex addiction recovery and see what dialogue ensues. Every week I will try to answer a new question and we;ll go from there. I thank you for signing up and look forward to the interaction. Blessings, Mark